anniversaries and marriage.

as mine and Willie's 12th anniversary approaches this up coming Sunday, my mind has been reflecting on the past quite a bit. the past as in the changes in each other and in our relationship. i often reflect upon the past as each anniversary approaches, but this year is different.

usually, i would reflect on all the things we've been through and what we've done with our lives. never really feeling satisfied at all with our results. so i would always ask myself, what are we celebrating. thinking that we really didn't have much to celebrate in terms of our marriage. each year seemed to be filled with what seemed to me to be "failure."

however, this year i find myself reflecting once again, but not in my usual habitual way. this year, i ask myself "how do we celebrate all that we truly are AND give it justice?" this question has changed because willie and i have changed. instead of surviving our marriage year after year, (you know the saying: "we survived another year!") we have actually figured out how to enjoy our marriage as a partnership and team. not surviving it, but living in it actively and participating in it whole hearted. no more "auto-pilot", if you will. no more separate individuals living together, but actually living together..."as one."

i finally understand what that actually means. "become as one." to me it means that willie and i really and truly want the same things and will now go about getting it in one way. two minds, two hearts, two souls merging together for the one goal. to be "single minded" as a couple. it allows us to work together and sacrifice together selflessly, both giving and taking, listening and hearing the other. yes, it may have taken us a long time to reach this point, but we did reach it. there's no going back. it is a comforting, unconditional and sacrificial love that now bonds us for eternity.

now... i think that it something to celebrate!!!

to my willie,
thank you. it is all i can say, even though it isn't enough. i feel that we have figured out the mystery of marriage, finally, and it makes me more in love with you than ever before. this, because i know you will be with me no matter what happens in our lives, and i will be with you. and that one day, we will reach that goal together. hand in hand. heart to heart. spirit to spirit. mind to mind. "AS ONE." thank you for waking up each morning and choosing me everyday. i see the proof of this in your eyes, in your thoughts, in your actions, in the sacrifices you give, and i feel it in your loving heart. may God bless us in our efforts to love each other more each day. may he bless us in our marriage and in our family that we have been lucky enough to enjoy. i love you and say thank you once again for loving me as me, without end.

love eternally,
Valerie

primary program parts

this year for our primary presentation, my boys were given assignments. the over all theme was "my eternal family."here is what my boys wrote as they were to come up with a bit on the subjects that they were given.

Austin was to talk about baptism. this is what he wrote: "Baptism is the first ordinance of the gospel. by following my baptismal covenants baptism strengthens me and my family to have faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus. it teaches me to help others with their burdens and sorrows. my family gets closer and stronger in the spirit as we obey and keep this covenant."

Collier had to write his own 2 min talk. his topic was repentance. this is what he wrote: "repentance strengthens my family. i know repentance can strengthen my family. it helps us grow with the spirit. the Lord wants us to repent so we can reunite with him in heaven. the second principle of the gospel is repentance because it is important. i have a personal experience of repentance strengthening me. i was fighting with my brother, Austin before going to church one morning. i hurt m brother badly, which made my parents mad. once we got to church, i repented of what i did. after i repented, i felt stronger and better. after church, my brother apologized to me and i said i was sorry to him for hurting him and for starting the fight. that is my experience of repenting. i know that if repenting can strengthen me, it can strengthen my family. i say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

my boys wrote these by themselves. i was amazed at the simple truths they bore as they spoke those words today. i learn so much from watching them grow in the spirit. i am so proud of them and so humble that i get the opportunity to teach them and witness the Lord in their sweet little growing lives. what a blessing to see the evidence of our Savior Jesus in their everyday living. Collier told me today that he loved giving his talk because he had felt warm inside while saying it. he said he knew he was speaking the truth because he had felt the spirit. it made me fell like they were getting ready for their missions by stepping on one stepping stone at a time. what an awesome thing to see. my two boys standing for something right and good. and then sharing what they know. i was so proud in a very humble sort of way. i got to see bits and pieces, today, of the men they will become tomorrow.

thank you Collier and Austin for sharing our sweet simple testimonies. i love you both so much. what great examples you both are and will be.

ode to candycorns...

During the course of my life i have always had some sick fascination with Halloween/fall/spooks etc. i don't know where exactly this comes from, though i will say that dad may have played a roll in that. he was always found sneaking about the house in hopes that he could pop out from behind one unlucky, unsuspecting sibling's door. not to mention, many other means of scary tactics that followed me through out my childhood. i.e. spiders on my legs, "i see cobb webs" and the list goes on. my eldest sister also, i believe, played a great roll in this fascination. she and her friends would take great delight in freaking out us younger siblings. she accomplished this feat by "games" such as: "Freaky Friday" (blood and all), "what's hidden behind the trap door in mom's closet?" and our beloved favorite"the dogs are chasing us." she had endless resources it seemed to pull off these great and memorable "games." so you see how i could have gotten the idea that being scared was a fun thing. this fascination with being scared, in later more grown-up years of my childhood, lead me to play games with my friends. i.e. "Bloody Mary" three times in front of the mirror, and yes, i DID see her in my reflection...who didn't? then of course the famous "murder in the dark" and the always fun slumber party favorite...."light as a feather stiff as a board."

these games became staples at my parties and markers of each Fall, sparking my imagination to draw up something awfully awesome and perhaps gruesome each year for Halloween. such as graves in the lawn, witches hung from the tree, and chicken bone skeletons. (he he, oops!!! that was actually my costume...thanks mom!!:) (yes, Melanie...you may laugh now.)

Fall to me means i can indulge myself in these scary themes and also in the Fall staples
such as: candied/caramel apples, crunchy brown, orange, and red leaves under my feet. the smell of tootsie rolls and Starburst in the same breath. mom's famous chilly and homemade veggie soup, the smell of fresh crisp air and feeling the bite of winter waiting impatiently around the corner. these things are a few of my favorite things. but what i love about this season most of all is the fist sign of the season. i anticipate it every year. and even while living in Florida for a long time, i would miss the signs of the changing seasons because leaves don't change there. and i would miss the excuse to bundle up and to eat a very warm drink like hot apple cider. it was way too hot. even though we'd try every year to drink them and pretend it was chilly out.
how do you think i really knew the season was here, besides using the calendar? i'll tell you. and for those who know me well, this makes perfect sense.
i was always abreast on the store front. which candy was in stock. (my sister and i adore candy and have an unhealthy love and respect for the joy it brings. its an addiction, really) anyways, i would watch the candy isles for what was up and coming. do you know what the first candy stocked on a Wal-mart shelf for Fall is...?

CANDY CORNS!!!!!

that's right. i LOVE candy corns. and as I'm already on my third bag for the season, i felt compelled to write an "ode" to this lovely first candy of the Fall. when i see the candy corns sitting innocently upon the shelf of the store, the white-tipped, orange and yellow triangles of waxy tastiness, i can't help but flip out a little, in excitement that is. i immediately and i might even say, greedily, grab a bag or three. i love everything that that first sight and taste of that sweetest candy corn means to me. it reminds me of all my childhood memories of frolicking about recklessly, spooking others and myself and feeling like time could freeze. even though all around me were the signs that it wouldn't last. time moves on. but i knew how to enjoy every moment of Fall and everything it brought me. i still do. from dressing up for Halloween, jumping in a huge pile of dead and crunchy leaves, to pigging out on the Fall delictables such as spice cake and trick-or-treating goodies. (i just get some from the kids now that i'm older.)(taxes, i say. ha ha)

Fall is a season for many kinds of indulgences, spooky frights, playing dress-up, outdoor play and frolic, and tasty treats. but Fall is candy corns and candy corns is Fall. and so it is to this little insignificant piece of candy who quietly sits upon the shelf waiting to bring out the season of frolic and fun, to whom i choose to indulgently eat and dwell on this day. to this candy who never gets the recognition that it deserves. it is always over shadowed by the other bigger better candy bars wrapped in shiney Halloween foils. but to you, dearest sweetest candy corn, i say this...may you never change. stay the same for ever like my childhood memories that remain unchanged. may you always bring the sweetest smile each Fall, and may you always supply me with endless Falls of happy sweet memories. i do love you, and everything you are and everything you symbolize. but above all this, i love the way you taste. all three colors really DO taste different!! i swear.

***and if i should gain 50 lbs this Fall for not having enough will power to stay away...so be it. i could never blame you, my sweet. some things are meant to be together, forever.

**I'll just wait till January, well after Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'll blame them for the "holiday weight gain" and end up like everyone else who resolves to loose the weight and start to eat healthy again. I'll do this, but only to prepare myself for this time next year when we will meet again...

....and we will meet again.

football and daddy's shoulder

three years ago, aislynne, when you were about three months old, i had you in my arms. i had wanted you for a long time. and finally after a long wait, i got you. so i gathered the bits and pieces of your tiny frame into my arms to cuddle and hold close to my heart. but i soon discovered it was not me that you had waited for.

as i struggled with you, (baffled that i couldn't make you happy and content, after having two before you) holding you this way and that, bouncing you and singing to you, i realized...you must be entirely different from your brothers. maybe they were right. all those people who said girls are more dramatic and difficult from the very beginning, than boys were. could it have simply been just that. you were a girl and so you had to make it difficult for mommy? i didn't buy it, not then...

but as the night wore on i became so tired, i was barely able to hold you like i had waited so long to do, and now i was completely exuasted. as my weakend arms passed you gently to your daddy, i felt a sense of failure. but it didn't last. i'll tell you why. i watched silently as your daddy held you up, vertically on his big strong and abled shoulder. he sat down in his chair and proceded to watch football while rubbing your back. i thought to myself.."this will never work, she'll not stand for this." after all i had been sitting too, while struggling with you, as i couldn't stand on my own yet. but yet again, i was wrong.

daddy held you that way and sat in the silence of the house except the low cheers emitting from the football game, the only light on in the house was softly gleaming from the square blue box. i watched in wonder as you listened to the game. you silently drifted off to sleep on daddy's shoulder. within five minutes you were out like a light!

i sat there astounded.

how could that be? i asked daddy that very question. his reply was this "val, while you were recovering from your accident (almost two and a half months of recovery) who do you think took care of her? this is our little routine." he said simply and proudly.

i pondered that.

i had waited so long for you, but maybe you waited just as long to be with daddy. since that time, you two have had a bond that we'll never have. but i'm ok with that. i feel like my recovery time was a gift to the both of you. your daddy was there when i couldn't be and he will always be there for you no matter your age or circumstances. you are his little girl. always has been and always will be. every fall/football season and the singing of happy birthday in september will always remind me of those short months when you were so new to us. but i will remember football and you on your daddy's shoulder as the crowds quietly cheer in the background.

and i smile.

thanks to all who came to aisy's third bday party. she had a blast and wishes her bday was everyday!!! it made willie and i very greatful to be here with tons of great friends. it means alot to us that everyone has welcomed us and befriended us so quickly. it feels like home here. i think we'll stay:) thanks again.

my three year old daughter