Sunday, May 29, 2011

Just some babblings of a crazy grieving mad woman...

I am simply going to babble because I need to start writing my thoughts down again. It has clearly been too long since I have sat down to express myself. Aren't you lucky to be able to read my thoughts...the thoughts of a babbling crazy mad woman????

So I am losing my mind. This has been confirmed by my most trusted advisor; my husband. But is it fair to believe him? I think he is partial to calling me crazy when it comes to winning arguments. But to be truthful, I feel I am losing my beautifully sharp mind. That is why writing my thoughts might bring back just what I think I am losing.

This weekend, I finally read the steps of grieving. They are:
1. Shock/Denial
2. Pain/ Guilt
3. Anger/bargaining
5. upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance/hope

This made me realize that I have a long way to go. Not all people experience these stages in order. This gives me slight hope because from where I sit, I cannot see which stage I have been in or am in currently. This last weekend has made me see that I think I am just realizing on the conscious level that my father is gone and I must deal with those feelings which I had been ignoring.

I suppose that in the first few weeks I went through shock and immediate pain. Then I came home and life had to go on as it did before. This was hard and weird because everybody else's lives went on so normal and yet mine was upside down. I pretended to get back to school work, plan our futures, and tried to be social but it made me sick to pretend life was normal for me. I kept pushing aside feelings that would bring tears to my eyes. I had no release because I would not allow myself to release them. They kept building deep inside until this weekend when I busted out of the emotionless cast I had built for myself. I did not cry. I got mad. Not mad at my dad for dying but at my husband because his life was the same (except for me). He slept, he worked, he played, he lived. I was not living. I was angry or jealous or just crazy. He has not known death. I now did. He did not understand me and my drive to feel as normal as I could while falling apart inside. He did not understand my own confusion, lack of interest in things previously liked, he did not understand my craziness. I did not cry...I yelled. I yelled that life was unfair, like was cruel, life was hard and sad! I yelled that I could not pretend anymore, I could not be as good as I wanted to be. I could not be what others needed me to be anymore. I purged...and purged...and then...shed a few tears.

This is where I get crazy...I did not cry for dad. I cried for me.

I still have not cried for him and I think it makes me feel like a bad person. So for this weekend, I am struggling with everything.

Life does go on, it needs to. I have to continue with responsibilities that existed before dad died. There is no way around it.

I will continue to pray constantly.
I will continue to read the scriptures daily.
I will continue my job as mother/friend/wife/primary president/student.
But I will do it with my Savior because as my big sister put it so eloquently.. "Here are my burdens dear Lord. I am now throwing them all at you because I know you will help carry them for me as I cannot do myself." .....and then she ran.....

...and I WILL TOO.
for now.