Tuesday, June 30, 2009

us, screwing around! but when tention and pressure mount...just DANCE!!!

HELP! ...and clutter on the brain.

have you ever been so overwhelmed that your brain literally feels like it will explode? that's me right now. so i must write down these thoughts to pull them out of my brain and clear the clutter. i am a person who can not stand clutter. time to clean out the closet.

ok, so between my husbands job opportunities, summer break fun for the kids, doc visits for my oldest, bills, a huge church calling, and having four children and their schedules, i'm feeling a little thinnly spread. i know this is how most poeple live these days, but i hate it. it makes me feel like a tightly stretched rubber band. and we all know what happens to the rubberband...it snaps. sometimes it snaps and only breaks itself, but other times that rubberband can hit, possibly break other objects, while flying in the path of self destruction. yes, this may sound dramatic, but then...I AM!! so the question is ...how do i avoid "snapping?"

i was talking to my mom the other day...really unloading these thoughts onto her. (love you mom:) but she told me some good advice. stepping outside of your self and taking a good look at what's really important allows yourself to be put in charge of YOU again. not the other way around. ok so, what comes first. basically look at your priorities and put them in order. i usually do this. but when i get bombarted by life and its little details, my brain suddenly feels like quitting, or shutting down. i start to feel inadequate, sorry for my self, and emotional!! i cry, in other words. i cry over the stupidest things. am i alone in feeling this way? surely not.

ok, so i actually visualized myself stepping outside of my body and looking at my life from an outsiders point of veiw. it was liberating to say the least. "wow, great hair by the way, val!!"
ok, so looking at myself and my obligations, i realized I was the only one adding pressure on myself. i was expecting ME to handle EVERYTHING perfectly and in a timely manner.

whoa...back up there vallie girl... way to much pressure. why was i doing this to myself? just because i had added to my calendar, i added pressure to myself. it went hand in hand. did i mention i am chlostrophobic? i think when i see my calendar fill up, it clutters my head and thus i add pressure to myself to eliminate those clutters as quickly as possible. make sense? well, i don't know exactly how to fix the problem, because i must write things down or i will forget, but when i write them down it overwhelms me. the olny thing that i remember that my mom told me that really stuck is... i'm the "BOSS", of myself that is. i control my life to a major degree. if i'm overwhelmed, take charge and eliminate the clutter. most importantly though, i am NOT alone, either. i have a family. and i just taught the little nursery children about why Heavenly Father gave us families. it was for us to have HELP! so to my husband... i said"Help!" and you know what? he did! my mom helped, my husband, and children, even family and friends on facebook helped.

life happens, but we don't have to let it take over us. we take charge. and ask for HELP!!!
thank you mom, willie, kids and family friends, you know who you are!!! most of all, thank you Jesus Christ, my friend and savior for allowing these burdens be lifted from me and for helping me carry them through the finish line.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

firefly summer

last night while coming home from a party, my boys alerted me to look outside the car window. "what?" i said. "what am i suppose to be looking at?"
"look at the fireflies, mom!"
"awe, yes, i see!" i said. "they are cool, huh?"
as the boys were talking animatedly in the back seat about their new discovery, (having grown up in florida, they have never seen fireflies before, and among them, my husband) i allowed my mind to wander to a distant past. one filled with cool summer evenings, barefeet in the grass, late night games with neighborhood friends and the always anticipated; fireflies. yes, my childhood summer nights. i was immediately swallowed up in the smells and feelings of those summer nights, firefly nights. we knew that when the fireflies came out we only had about an hour left to play outside. we would quickly organize our remaining time into the most meaningful hour of the day. suddenly we played like it was the last time we would ever play. with all our hearts and souls, we would engage into the most fun we could muster up.we felt so old to be able to play past dark. our imaginations quickly at work, we tumbled, chased, jumped, hid, and cartwheeled our way to a magical world where we ruled the night skies. we were the gods, then.

as the night rapidly flew, our time coming to an end, i recalled to myself, seeing and hearing my mother calling to us from the front porch."time to come in!" she would yell. i can still see her sillouette against the white house, under the porch light. this memory warmed me now, but it didn't back then. this was the signal that our time was up. it meant it would suspend our nightly godhood for one whole day more. what an eternity a day was back then. the evenings stretched on forever.

i remembered the smells of the cool grass on my barefeet. the feel of the wind rushing past my face as i chased my friends, the hard concrete on my back as we laid on the sidewalk to count the stars. endless the night seemed with the stars stretching on in the blackness forever. we actually tried to count them all, well who didn't?

i remembered the taste of freshly picked mulberries and the juicy stains that accompanied them. the feeling of endless pleasures and the sounds of laughter that drifted up to the heavens. blowing blades of grass between my lips, riding bikes down the middle of the road and skating down the sidewalk, sometimes on one foot, as to share the other skate with a sister. :)

at the moment that these memories washed over me, i was bathed in a blanket of homesickness. one i haven't felt since last summer. i think i have felt it every summer since. summers just don't add up to those anymore. though i am a grown up woman now and know the evils of time(that much never changes, no matter how old you get) and i can't do a cart wheel very often any more, i can dig in my memory box and pull out a lifetime's worth of summer nights, they are always with me. and i can now enjoy passing these summer traditions on to my children, who are now discovering what it is to be a child in a firefly summer.....

it begins again.