Wednesday, December 28, 2011
End of Year thoughts...
As I sit and type the thoughts that surround the end of this Year, I am reminded of the joys and sorrows, grief and pain, laughter and tears that this year has brought me.
Bare with me please...
My family has been goal oriented since moving up here to NC, four Christmases ago. Will and I have both gone back to school through the University of Phoenix. Will is completing his Bachelor program in General Education, to become a school teacher and I am about done with my A.S. degree. In January, I will begin my Bachelor program for Psychology. We also have made goals to repair our credit, buy a house (asap), and begin again a life that we can be both self-reliant and productive.
At the beginning of this year, we had made headway and bought a new car for the family; a great necessity at the time. Our next step for the summer was to get ourselves into a house.
This did not happen.
My father passed away unexpectedly and in a most horrific fashion. We spent all our meager savings to go to Florida to be with family as we put him to rest. We also helped my mom move out west to be near her children. In the Fall, Will lost his job and miraculously found another, then Christmas was upon us and we were struggling to get excited for it. We had not achieved our goals for the year...and ...
my heart had been broken for many reasons this year.
I did not feel joy. I felt like a sponge trying every which way to feel the spirit of the Season. We went caroling every Monday night and delivered pumpkin bread to friends, we read the Christmas story dozens of times, we decorated our house, we took family pictures this year and sent out Christmas cards. We did all that we thought of to help us feel the Magic of the Season. I was still without joy.
I was missing my family, my dad, my childhood. I was missing the goals achieved for the year, the feeling of self-worth, I was missing all that I expected my life to be. You see, I am a goal-oriented person. I strive to achieve, to improve, to develop. I strive for accomplishment, change, and happiness. I have high expectations for myself and my family. This is my personality type and for the most part, I love it! I know it can be intense at times, overwhelming, and even darn right obnoxious to others and even myself, but, I love my personality. It makes me, well ME! But the down side of having this personality type is that when life does not happen as I expected it to or planned for it too, I can easily get frustrated and impatient. I can even become depressed, anxious, and irritable. I had found that anxiety was once again my old roommate. Having seen the odds of life play out in my father's random and waste less death, anxiety now lives as the odds of every other horrific thing happening to myself or my family, every night in my head. The odds of some random horrific thing happening is now the reality in which I live.
After the lessons of life this year and at the close of it, I find myself in the latter characteristics of my personality type.
Here is the kicker. I know the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I know I have an unshakable testimony in the Divine power of of my Savior. I know that only through Him and His infinite atonement, I can find pure joy, happiness, and peace; I can find salvation and rest for my soul. I know this without a single shred of doubt.
Why then am I unhappy, frustrated, and down right depressed then?
Because I am Human. I set goals, they were not met. I sit a year later having lost more than my goals and accomplishments. I have lost my father. I have lost the closeness to my family as they are all out west now. I have lost my patients, my energy, my drive. In short, it seems that God has stripped me of my awesome plans, has stripped me of my dreams, has tried my testimony, my patients, my compassion, and my ability to truly love another, and has stretched my own physical ability to feel and give charity. This year He has wrung me out to dry....
...and I am done.
Yet, as I hear the repeated words of my dear sister in my head, I am GOLD refined. I am stronger. I am more resilient, I am more determined, more humble, more capable, more pliable, I am more faithful, more sure of God's love and His plans, and more grateful.
How can one small, weak, human emerge from the refiners fire as Gold? How can one even endure the refiners fire?
Through Gratitude and a humble heart, one can see the miracles and love that help us through the very fire we are put through.Through faith, courage, and knowledge that worldly materials and life goals are things to work for, but God's plan trumps our own if we are willing to give it all up to Him. I vowed many years ago, that I would give up my life to Him if He needed it.
I guess He needs it, and I honor that commitment and honor my covenants that I made with Him. I am not a person to deny the truth that I felt many years ago when I was in dire need of that precious knowledge that He gave me. I cannot deny truth. Nor can I turn my back on a God who has watched over me tirelessly and has blessed me with the life that would bring about the best and most important accomplishment of all...
This year has taught me the most valuable lesson of all so far...
Lasting Joy does not come from earthly accomplishments, material goals, and family relationships. Pure Lasting Joy comes from being stripped of it all and knowing I would never blame, nor turn my back on God. I know that whatever HELL I go through on earth, and I have been a frequent guest there, it is for my experience and for my benefit and it will help me gain supreme eternal joy, eternal peace, and true eternal accomplishment. For giving up my life for Him, saves it in the next life. That is my most important goal and the one I strive to daily, yearly and even hourly. This most important goal is the reason I am here and the reason I allow myself to visit HELL, yet not tarry there. I come out as Gold.
And Gold is the most precious of all materials on earth and is fit for the Kingdom of Heaven.
So, does this knowledge give me joy? Not of the immediate and worldly kind, but of a peaceful kind that even if my life is never the worldly one I wanted, it ultimately actually is because it is building the eternal life I want, as I choose daily to serve Him by serving others, and being where I am needed, and doing as I am needed. The accomplishments are there, I merely need to see them through God's eyes, not my own. For those accomplishments He sees, are the ones that count.
Bare with me please...
My family has been goal oriented since moving up here to NC, four Christmases ago. Will and I have both gone back to school through the University of Phoenix. Will is completing his Bachelor program in General Education, to become a school teacher and I am about done with my A.S. degree. In January, I will begin my Bachelor program for Psychology. We also have made goals to repair our credit, buy a house (asap), and begin again a life that we can be both self-reliant and productive.
At the beginning of this year, we had made headway and bought a new car for the family; a great necessity at the time. Our next step for the summer was to get ourselves into a house.
This did not happen.
My father passed away unexpectedly and in a most horrific fashion. We spent all our meager savings to go to Florida to be with family as we put him to rest. We also helped my mom move out west to be near her children. In the Fall, Will lost his job and miraculously found another, then Christmas was upon us and we were struggling to get excited for it. We had not achieved our goals for the year...and ...
my heart had been broken for many reasons this year.
I did not feel joy. I felt like a sponge trying every which way to feel the spirit of the Season. We went caroling every Monday night and delivered pumpkin bread to friends, we read the Christmas story dozens of times, we decorated our house, we took family pictures this year and sent out Christmas cards. We did all that we thought of to help us feel the Magic of the Season. I was still without joy.
I was missing my family, my dad, my childhood. I was missing the goals achieved for the year, the feeling of self-worth, I was missing all that I expected my life to be. You see, I am a goal-oriented person. I strive to achieve, to improve, to develop. I strive for accomplishment, change, and happiness. I have high expectations for myself and my family. This is my personality type and for the most part, I love it! I know it can be intense at times, overwhelming, and even darn right obnoxious to others and even myself, but, I love my personality. It makes me, well ME! But the down side of having this personality type is that when life does not happen as I expected it to or planned for it too, I can easily get frustrated and impatient. I can even become depressed, anxious, and irritable. I had found that anxiety was once again my old roommate. Having seen the odds of life play out in my father's random and waste less death, anxiety now lives as the odds of every other horrific thing happening to myself or my family, every night in my head. The odds of some random horrific thing happening is now the reality in which I live.
After the lessons of life this year and at the close of it, I find myself in the latter characteristics of my personality type.
Here is the kicker. I know the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I know I have an unshakable testimony in the Divine power of of my Savior. I know that only through Him and His infinite atonement, I can find pure joy, happiness, and peace; I can find salvation and rest for my soul. I know this without a single shred of doubt.
Why then am I unhappy, frustrated, and down right depressed then?
Because I am Human. I set goals, they were not met. I sit a year later having lost more than my goals and accomplishments. I have lost my father. I have lost the closeness to my family as they are all out west now. I have lost my patients, my energy, my drive. In short, it seems that God has stripped me of my awesome plans, has stripped me of my dreams, has tried my testimony, my patients, my compassion, and my ability to truly love another, and has stretched my own physical ability to feel and give charity. This year He has wrung me out to dry....
...and I am done.
Yet, as I hear the repeated words of my dear sister in my head, I am GOLD refined. I am stronger. I am more resilient, I am more determined, more humble, more capable, more pliable, I am more faithful, more sure of God's love and His plans, and more grateful.
How can one small, weak, human emerge from the refiners fire as Gold? How can one even endure the refiners fire?
Through Gratitude and a humble heart, one can see the miracles and love that help us through the very fire we are put through.Through faith, courage, and knowledge that worldly materials and life goals are things to work for, but God's plan trumps our own if we are willing to give it all up to Him. I vowed many years ago, that I would give up my life to Him if He needed it.
I guess He needs it, and I honor that commitment and honor my covenants that I made with Him. I am not a person to deny the truth that I felt many years ago when I was in dire need of that precious knowledge that He gave me. I cannot deny truth. Nor can I turn my back on a God who has watched over me tirelessly and has blessed me with the life that would bring about the best and most important accomplishment of all...
This year has taught me the most valuable lesson of all so far...
Lasting Joy does not come from earthly accomplishments, material goals, and family relationships. Pure Lasting Joy comes from being stripped of it all and knowing I would never blame, nor turn my back on God. I know that whatever HELL I go through on earth, and I have been a frequent guest there, it is for my experience and for my benefit and it will help me gain supreme eternal joy, eternal peace, and true eternal accomplishment. For giving up my life for Him, saves it in the next life. That is my most important goal and the one I strive to daily, yearly and even hourly. This most important goal is the reason I am here and the reason I allow myself to visit HELL, yet not tarry there. I come out as Gold.
And Gold is the most precious of all materials on earth and is fit for the Kingdom of Heaven.
So, does this knowledge give me joy? Not of the immediate and worldly kind, but of a peaceful kind that even if my life is never the worldly one I wanted, it ultimately actually is because it is building the eternal life I want, as I choose daily to serve Him by serving others, and being where I am needed, and doing as I am needed. The accomplishments are there, I merely need to see them through God's eyes, not my own. For those accomplishments He sees, are the ones that count.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
"It's all about the Work."
This weekend was special because in our church, we have general Conference twice a year. This year it was this weekend. General Conference is when the General Authorities of the church speak to us the members and give encouragement and hope. They up-lift us and impart their wisdom and revelation to us. This year, it has been tough for me to find myself as I navigate my way through grief. My trials that normally seem bearable, seem like they are drowning me. I can't seem to get ahold of my proper footing that I once had at the beginning of the year. I hate to admit this, but I was not happy. This bothered me tremendously. I am not one who likes to wallow in self-pity or play the woe is me card often. I am a problem solver. I get to the bottom of the issues and I solve them quickly if able. I seek happiness often if I find it is absent. Life is too short, not to be happy. But recently, happiness has eluded me and I have been on a mission to find it.
After a most inspiring and up-lifting conference session on Saturday, I left the BYU TV channel on and watched what came on after it. It was first about missionaries going to the Missionary Training Center and what they do there to prepare for their missions. It was pretty neat to watch. I sat there with Austin talking and discussing the future of his mission. Then a movie called "Best Two Years" came on. I had seen this before and really liked how it was done. So, I invited Austin to sit and watch it with me, as Collier and Willie were at the General Priesthood Meeting at church. We sat and watched it. We laughed, I cried a little, and we laughed some more. The part that got to me the most was the near the end when Elder Johnson asks Elder Rogers what it is all about, and how did Elder Rogers snap out of his depression and feelings of homesickness. Elder Rogers replied "Why are we out here on our missions, what is it all for?...It is all about the Work."
"It's all about the Work."
"It is all about HIS work."
We are all born to this Earth on missions of our own; to return as loyal sons and daughters to our Heavenly Father. This life, whatever we think is ours and ours alone, it is because of agency, but those who take upon themselves the name of Jesus Christ through baptism, their lives bare His name and His work. We become His true disciples and serve others in His stead. This becomes our mission in life.
Life has many trials and tribulations that plague us all. At times, these may seem unbearable to carry. Christ is waiting for us to give our burdens to Him. I knew this, but could not get happy until this morning I was praying and thinking of how to let go of my burden of sorrow, homesickness, and many other feelings I was weakened by. The thought entered my mind that as long as I am focused on the work of my Savior, I'll find my true happiness; the happiness that lasts for Eternity, that radiates from deep within and pours out. I immediately felt lighter and happier inside. "it is really all about the work we do; His work. I knew the Lord was there with me and helping my thoughts turn to a person who could take all my sorrow and frustrations away and in turn give me hope, light, and a mission worthy of me. I have been called to serve a mission for my Lord and Savior in this world.
My mission:
To serve my Lord, my husband, my children. To love and serve my friends and family, to lighten other's loads around me. My mission is teaching the children of Franklin the Gospel of Jesus Christ. To serve and work in the Temple. My mission is to shine the light of Christ through my actions and deeds.
Once I stopped focusing on my heartache and on His work for me to accomplish, my life became His once more. I know from my past that when I am immersed in doing good works and doing His work, it fills me with such joy, peace, and satisfaction. It fills my soul and I feel close to heaven.....
...... and ....
.....I become happy.
So, the key to true happiness.....
"It is ALL about HIS Work!"
And that is what I'll do!
After a most inspiring and up-lifting conference session on Saturday, I left the BYU TV channel on and watched what came on after it. It was first about missionaries going to the Missionary Training Center and what they do there to prepare for their missions. It was pretty neat to watch. I sat there with Austin talking and discussing the future of his mission. Then a movie called "Best Two Years" came on. I had seen this before and really liked how it was done. So, I invited Austin to sit and watch it with me, as Collier and Willie were at the General Priesthood Meeting at church. We sat and watched it. We laughed, I cried a little, and we laughed some more. The part that got to me the most was the near the end when Elder Johnson asks Elder Rogers what it is all about, and how did Elder Rogers snap out of his depression and feelings of homesickness. Elder Rogers replied "Why are we out here on our missions, what is it all for?...It is all about the Work."
"It's all about the Work."
"It is all about HIS work."
We are all born to this Earth on missions of our own; to return as loyal sons and daughters to our Heavenly Father. This life, whatever we think is ours and ours alone, it is because of agency, but those who take upon themselves the name of Jesus Christ through baptism, their lives bare His name and His work. We become His true disciples and serve others in His stead. This becomes our mission in life.
Life has many trials and tribulations that plague us all. At times, these may seem unbearable to carry. Christ is waiting for us to give our burdens to Him. I knew this, but could not get happy until this morning I was praying and thinking of how to let go of my burden of sorrow, homesickness, and many other feelings I was weakened by. The thought entered my mind that as long as I am focused on the work of my Savior, I'll find my true happiness; the happiness that lasts for Eternity, that radiates from deep within and pours out. I immediately felt lighter and happier inside. "it is really all about the work we do; His work. I knew the Lord was there with me and helping my thoughts turn to a person who could take all my sorrow and frustrations away and in turn give me hope, light, and a mission worthy of me. I have been called to serve a mission for my Lord and Savior in this world.
My mission:
To serve my Lord, my husband, my children. To love and serve my friends and family, to lighten other's loads around me. My mission is teaching the children of Franklin the Gospel of Jesus Christ. To serve and work in the Temple. My mission is to shine the light of Christ through my actions and deeds.
Once I stopped focusing on my heartache and on His work for me to accomplish, my life became His once more. I know from my past that when I am immersed in doing good works and doing His work, it fills me with such joy, peace, and satisfaction. It fills my soul and I feel close to heaven.....
...... and ....
.....I become happy.
So, the key to true happiness.....
"It is ALL about HIS Work!"
And that is what I'll do!
Fall Football Frolic ....and Cider
This weekend was full of many wonderful moments. This past Friday evening, the weather turned much cooler. I love the turn of the season when the oppressive heat of Summer gives way to the refreshing, crisp,clean, almost wild weather that is Autumn. The leaves have started to change, shedding their green for deep reds, and oranges that paint the mountains. The World seems to sigh in relief that the suffocating Summer has relinquished her hold. Soon the area will be draped in a bounteous cornucopia of colors. As this new Season sweeps in with strong and stirring winds, the inspiration that comes with it is intoxicating to say the least. It wakes the soul and inspires the creator within. The little child in me comes out to play. So, this weekend...I played. I was able to enjoy a game with my younger two children on the Trampoline and was having such a wonderful time, my older boys could not stand to be left out, so I played with them too:) The following morning, Saturday, the weather being even cooler, inspired me to invite the family to play a game of football. We all ran out side and down the pebble covered dirt road that winds down the mountain. As we set up and decided teams, the fierce north wind blew heavily against our unprotected bodies. We huddled together and shivered. I said "OK, break for sweaters and gloves...then GAME ON!" We each made a mad dash to the house to dig through our winter gear for mittens, gloves, knit hats and so on. As we searched for the notoriously missing "other glove" for each set, we decided to warm up with some orchard fresh apple cider. We filled up our cups, donned our hats and gloves and headed out for some Fall football frolic.
I was so excited to be playing with my kids and husband. I was never good at sports but due to my husband's fabulous coaching through the years, I managed to play a game worthy of my older boys. But what I was most impressed with was watching them suppress their adolescent boy hunger and taste for raw blood in the game and put aside their feelings to play a game in a way that the younger two kids could play and be a part of. Aislynne and Braden both made the touchdowns and begged to be on the older boy's teams. Screams and shouts for all the kids against mom and dad were soon chanted through the wind. The challenge was on. We played well, but ultimately lost to our children as our five year old swept passed us and headed towards the make-shift "in-zone." Cheers shouted out in victory! The kids laughed and slapped hands in champion hi-fives!
Throughout the game, we would rest a moment to sip cider then back to the game. After the game we all trudged back to the house and sat together enjoying what was left of our hot cider. We swapped tales of fumbles, passes, and touch-downs. We shared much more than that.
We shared our talents, our cider, and our love.
We made a wonderful memory. As parents, both full-time students, Willie and I feel that our Saturdays are the days for our family to gather together to work and play. It is our day to make memories and share happy moments together. It is precious to us this one day of play. From family swimming and diving lessons in the summer to family football in the Fall, we find interests that we all enjoy. This keeps us close and involved in each other's lives.
I must say that as my boys get older, it gets more fun. and I am proud of the example they are to their younger siblings. Collier has surpassed me in height and Austin is on his way to growing up as well. In these moments it is nice to not be the parent, but their equal brother and sister under God. I am privileged to know them.
This morning, the first thing out of Braden's mouth was "Can we play football again?"
How I LOVE my family so very much and hope and pray they remember these simple, fun moments and think back on them with warmth and love.
and I ......
.....I can't wait until we have a re-match!!!
I was so excited to be playing with my kids and husband. I was never good at sports but due to my husband's fabulous coaching through the years, I managed to play a game worthy of my older boys. But what I was most impressed with was watching them suppress their adolescent boy hunger and taste for raw blood in the game and put aside their feelings to play a game in a way that the younger two kids could play and be a part of. Aislynne and Braden both made the touchdowns and begged to be on the older boy's teams. Screams and shouts for all the kids against mom and dad were soon chanted through the wind. The challenge was on. We played well, but ultimately lost to our children as our five year old swept passed us and headed towards the make-shift "in-zone." Cheers shouted out in victory! The kids laughed and slapped hands in champion hi-fives!
Throughout the game, we would rest a moment to sip cider then back to the game. After the game we all trudged back to the house and sat together enjoying what was left of our hot cider. We swapped tales of fumbles, passes, and touch-downs. We shared much more than that.
We shared our talents, our cider, and our love.
We made a wonderful memory. As parents, both full-time students, Willie and I feel that our Saturdays are the days for our family to gather together to work and play. It is our day to make memories and share happy moments together. It is precious to us this one day of play. From family swimming and diving lessons in the summer to family football in the Fall, we find interests that we all enjoy. This keeps us close and involved in each other's lives.
I must say that as my boys get older, it gets more fun. and I am proud of the example they are to their younger siblings. Collier has surpassed me in height and Austin is on his way to growing up as well. In these moments it is nice to not be the parent, but their equal brother and sister under God. I am privileged to know them.
This morning, the first thing out of Braden's mouth was "Can we play football again?"
How I LOVE my family so very much and hope and pray they remember these simple, fun moments and think back on them with warmth and love.
and I ......
.....I can't wait until we have a re-match!!!
 |
| "Go Team Walz" |
 |
| "The KID's team" |
 |
Aisy gettin' passed Austin! |
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Expectations and Understanding....
When Willie and I were expecting our first child, Collier, we were so excited and nervous at the same time. I remember lying in bed staring up at the ceiling just worried that everything I would do and every choice I would make, now affected another being indirectly. I could feel the weight of parenthood on my shoulders almost immediately. But I was young, and strong and felt all would be well. I remember the terrified face on my husband about an hour after we found out that we were expecting...sheer terror followed the immense joy. We made plans for our new addition, we saved and bought baby paraphernalia. The days crept closer for Collier to enter the world. All ultrasounds came out beautiful and finally...he came to us. At 7 lbs and 12 oz he was perfect to us. He claimed the largest and sweetest chocolate brown eyes ever, sill does. As we endlessly stared into his huge and innocent eyes we dreamed about his perfect future. The world was his for the taking....
Ten wonderful years passed with us and Collier. He was such a wonderful child; full of love, politeness, and corky sense of humor. He took the role of "Big Brother" very seriously, and still does today. His future looked so bright as we raised him up in knowledge of his Savior and the world around him. Life was going swimmingly for him.
Then...the changes began to show...
The signs came one at a time then quickly escalated into many in the short span of three months.
First came the eye rolling. I could not understand why he was rolling his eyes at me suddenly. I thought he was being disrespectful. This did not fit Collier's behavior. It worried me, so I watched him...a lot. He denied being disrespectful and I soon discovered he really did not know he was doing it at all. The optometrist said his eyes were fine. Next came the head banging on hard surfaces, then the head bobbing. The pediatrician confirmed what I had already suspected. Collier had Tourette's Syndrome. We had to watch him for a year to see if the tics went away at times or if they remained constant. After a year of vigilance, he was officially diagnosed with Tourette's. We watched our little boy grow into adolescents with one of the most mis-understood psychological/neurological disorders. As if puberty isn't hard enough, right? Collier gets to experience it with the most awkward movements at the most awkward time of life.
Our long-held expectations sort of went by the way-side. We had to help him with a new anxiety disorder in the form of panic attacks, and a diagnosis of ADHD on top of all that. It is pretty normal for Tourette's patients to have other psychological disorders because most of these disorders are caused and/or effected by the same imbalances or neurological mis-firings. My heart broke for him each time he experienced severe panic in the form attacks. New fears come out of no-where and we must be ready at any moment to swoop in and help him. His tic s are very large as in range of movement. He has vocal tics as well (not the obscene language). I mention this hard road Collier has been through and still is to explain that the expectations we had for Collier's life when he was first born and throughout the first ten years of his life...drastically and suddenly changed. We did not even know what to expect from him anymore.
So....we researched, prayed, worked and taught him about his own disorders, and we watched and waited to see him come through and learn to manage this mighty trial. I want you to know that even though he is healthy, strong, and normal in so many ways, this burden to carry on such young shoulders can be overwhelming for him and he seems to collapse into the little boy he once was. It breaks a mother's heart. But I feel I cannot show him this. I must be the strong one he can come to and breakdown on.
As adolescents wreaks havoc on our home, we adjust daily our expectations from him. I decided to put him on the middle school swim team. He loves it and is doing wonderful in swimming and making friends outside of school and church (which was my goal). He just recently began to worry about homework, grades, and time for everything in his little world. He made a decision to skip the swim team bus for practise an hide in the bathroom until he knew it was gone. he texted Willie to come and pick him up. This through Willie into a fit. He assumed Collier was being lazy and trying to quit without quitting. Willie called me and told me to talk with Collier because he was too mad to communicate with him at the moment. So I waited until he got home...
I began to think how he is becoming a teen; which means laziness, weakness, selfishness and the whole bit. But I also thought how much I know my son, how he never does anything wrong, on purpose. He lives to make his daddy proud. He loves to share a good joke and make his father laugh. Collier feels like an equal when he is this way with Willie. He feels like he is a true friend and that his father really truly likes him as a young man. All of this is true and Willie feels the same and has stated to me "Collier has become by buddy." So when the two are at odds, I feel it is my job to remind my husband who his son has become.
You see, Willie, like so many others, still expect Collier to remain the same boy he once was and to respond in the same way as he would have or as Austin (his brother) does now. I talked with Collier about the skipping the swim bus incident. He told me this "I knew I was way behind on homework, was given even more homework and knew that if I went to swim practise, I would not get it one and would be so behind, I'd never catch up. I knew that I did not have the time to correct and catch up on my work and my grades would suffer...so, I skipped the bus on purpose." OK. I have to say, this blew me away. We are always trying to teach him responsibility...and by gosh...he was tring to be responsible. He simply went about it the wrong way. So, my job as the parent was to teach him how to act responsibly towards his coaches and parents. I was so proud he made the choice to catch up on homework and make sure his grades are in good standing rather than continue going to practise and later blaming others. I was so happy. I had to explain it to Willie later why Collier acted the way he had.
Willie felt horrible because he had been too mad to communicate with his son about the mistake he had made. He felt so bad and apologized to his buddy. All is well between the two, but more lessons on what to expect from Collier is needed for both of us. He may not be capable of handling the world that was given to him. He may not be able to handle the "normal" expectations of the world of teens. He may not be what we expected him to be long ago when we held him in our arms...
but....
He is so much more than I ever expected him to be. The ways he carries this giant sized burden at such a vulnerable and tender age is astonishing to me. He knows his priorities, he knows who he is, he knows we love him, he loves himself, he amazes me in his strength, self-confidence and understanding as we work together to help him reach his potential in this life. Mis-understandings will happen but knowing him and who he is will help us understand him better. Like it or not, knowing him means knowing his disorders and their affects on him.
Expectations are needed at some point to allow the other to reach up. It is a form of motivation, however, those expectations should be able to be flexible when life alters them so suddenly. As parents and humans it is our job to try to understand better when this does happen. Understanding leads to flexibility in parenting styles and ways of loving another. Collier teaches me new things weekly, but I am a much better person because of him. He has already exceeded my expectations and I understand him more and more each time I am flexible and willing to change my perception and see the true Collier. Oh How I love this boy with the biggest chocolate eyes EVER. And you know what.......
The world is still his for the taking.....
...and I know he will do just THAT!!!
(Collier at the Columbia South Carolins Temple; below: Collier at student art exhibit next to his art work)
Ten wonderful years passed with us and Collier. He was such a wonderful child; full of love, politeness, and corky sense of humor. He took the role of "Big Brother" very seriously, and still does today. His future looked so bright as we raised him up in knowledge of his Savior and the world around him. Life was going swimmingly for him.
Then...the changes began to show...
The signs came one at a time then quickly escalated into many in the short span of three months.
First came the eye rolling. I could not understand why he was rolling his eyes at me suddenly. I thought he was being disrespectful. This did not fit Collier's behavior. It worried me, so I watched him...a lot. He denied being disrespectful and I soon discovered he really did not know he was doing it at all. The optometrist said his eyes were fine. Next came the head banging on hard surfaces, then the head bobbing. The pediatrician confirmed what I had already suspected. Collier had Tourette's Syndrome. We had to watch him for a year to see if the tics went away at times or if they remained constant. After a year of vigilance, he was officially diagnosed with Tourette's. We watched our little boy grow into adolescents with one of the most mis-understood psychological/neurological disorders. As if puberty isn't hard enough, right? Collier gets to experience it with the most awkward movements at the most awkward time of life.
Our long-held expectations sort of went by the way-side. We had to help him with a new anxiety disorder in the form of panic attacks, and a diagnosis of ADHD on top of all that. It is pretty normal for Tourette's patients to have other psychological disorders because most of these disorders are caused and/or effected by the same imbalances or neurological mis-firings. My heart broke for him each time he experienced severe panic in the form attacks. New fears come out of no-where and we must be ready at any moment to swoop in and help him. His tic s are very large as in range of movement. He has vocal tics as well (not the obscene language). I mention this hard road Collier has been through and still is to explain that the expectations we had for Collier's life when he was first born and throughout the first ten years of his life...drastically and suddenly changed. We did not even know what to expect from him anymore.
So....we researched, prayed, worked and taught him about his own disorders, and we watched and waited to see him come through and learn to manage this mighty trial. I want you to know that even though he is healthy, strong, and normal in so many ways, this burden to carry on such young shoulders can be overwhelming for him and he seems to collapse into the little boy he once was. It breaks a mother's heart. But I feel I cannot show him this. I must be the strong one he can come to and breakdown on.
As adolescents wreaks havoc on our home, we adjust daily our expectations from him. I decided to put him on the middle school swim team. He loves it and is doing wonderful in swimming and making friends outside of school and church (which was my goal). He just recently began to worry about homework, grades, and time for everything in his little world. He made a decision to skip the swim team bus for practise an hide in the bathroom until he knew it was gone. he texted Willie to come and pick him up. This through Willie into a fit. He assumed Collier was being lazy and trying to quit without quitting. Willie called me and told me to talk with Collier because he was too mad to communicate with him at the moment. So I waited until he got home...
I began to think how he is becoming a teen; which means laziness, weakness, selfishness and the whole bit. But I also thought how much I know my son, how he never does anything wrong, on purpose. He lives to make his daddy proud. He loves to share a good joke and make his father laugh. Collier feels like an equal when he is this way with Willie. He feels like he is a true friend and that his father really truly likes him as a young man. All of this is true and Willie feels the same and has stated to me "Collier has become by buddy." So when the two are at odds, I feel it is my job to remind my husband who his son has become.
You see, Willie, like so many others, still expect Collier to remain the same boy he once was and to respond in the same way as he would have or as Austin (his brother) does now. I talked with Collier about the skipping the swim bus incident. He told me this "I knew I was way behind on homework, was given even more homework and knew that if I went to swim practise, I would not get it one and would be so behind, I'd never catch up. I knew that I did not have the time to correct and catch up on my work and my grades would suffer...so, I skipped the bus on purpose." OK. I have to say, this blew me away. We are always trying to teach him responsibility...and by gosh...he was tring to be responsible. He simply went about it the wrong way. So, my job as the parent was to teach him how to act responsibly towards his coaches and parents. I was so proud he made the choice to catch up on homework and make sure his grades are in good standing rather than continue going to practise and later blaming others. I was so happy. I had to explain it to Willie later why Collier acted the way he had.
Willie felt horrible because he had been too mad to communicate with his son about the mistake he had made. He felt so bad and apologized to his buddy. All is well between the two, but more lessons on what to expect from Collier is needed for both of us. He may not be capable of handling the world that was given to him. He may not be able to handle the "normal" expectations of the world of teens. He may not be what we expected him to be long ago when we held him in our arms...
but....
He is so much more than I ever expected him to be. The ways he carries this giant sized burden at such a vulnerable and tender age is astonishing to me. He knows his priorities, he knows who he is, he knows we love him, he loves himself, he amazes me in his strength, self-confidence and understanding as we work together to help him reach his potential in this life. Mis-understandings will happen but knowing him and who he is will help us understand him better. Like it or not, knowing him means knowing his disorders and their affects on him.
Expectations are needed at some point to allow the other to reach up. It is a form of motivation, however, those expectations should be able to be flexible when life alters them so suddenly. As parents and humans it is our job to try to understand better when this does happen. Understanding leads to flexibility in parenting styles and ways of loving another. Collier teaches me new things weekly, but I am a much better person because of him. He has already exceeded my expectations and I understand him more and more each time I am flexible and willing to change my perception and see the true Collier. Oh How I love this boy with the biggest chocolate eyes EVER. And you know what.......
The world is still his for the taking.....
...and I know he will do just THAT!!!
Monday, September 12, 2011
September 11th- Tenth Anniversary
I sat on the edge of the bed last night, glued to the horrific scenes displayed on the television, my boys surrounding me in abnormal silence as my husband turned up the volume. I sat there stunned, hand to my gaping mouth, tears streaming down my cheeks, and the sickening feeling in my gut that kept pushing its way up. The images I was looking at were the same images from ten years ago; September 11, 2001. "Where was I when the world stopped turning that September day?" As this Alan Jackson tune runs through my mind, I sit and try to comprehend, yet again, just what I am seeing.
I remember I woke up in a cranky mood. My young boys playing wildly at my feet. I woke in a horrible mood because Willie and I had a argument the night before. I remember feeling tired and wishing I had a few moments away from my boys to think, or to indulge in some self-pity or something. The boys however wanted more attention than I had to give. They displayed their needs in such ways as jumping on my bed and leaping to the floor. I yelled at them to leave my room. I felt bad for this, but was in no mood. I remember as one of them left the room, the statue of Jesus perched on my shelf came crashing down. I bent over to pick it up, it was broken. I remarked to myself "Well this is gonna be a BAD day."
I had no idea just how bad.
Willie called from work seconds later. He demanded me to turn on the television. He sounded scared.
I had never heard fear in my husband's voice before. So I went in the living room and turned it on. I stood there staring at the screen, phone in my hand, confused. What was I looking at? I recognized the World Trade Center Towers. I knew what Manhattan looked like, but I could not immediately register what I saw. I sat on the edge of the couch, perched there for the next hour as the story of the day unfolded before the world. I saw a burning skyscraper, I saw a plane fly into the second Tower, I saw smoke, so much smoke, I saw people jumping to their deaths, I saw firefighters with fear in their eyes, I saw ash fall and blanket the silenced city, I saw heroes go in and NOT come out, I saw people running from the scene, I saw Tower Two fall in on itself, I saw Tower One fall.
Silence.....
I heard sirens, I heard broadcasters in shock, I heard the crumbling of the towers caving in on themselves, I heard the litter falling like snow, then I heard silence.
I remember crying openly, I called my mom, I called my sisters, I called my friends. I cried. I remember making homemade chocolate chip cookies later in the evening as I remained glued to the TV. I held my boys close and cuddled on the couch with my husband..all arguments forgotten.
I had nightmares for years. Any large building I entered, I had to formulate an exit plan in my head. I still do this today. I imagine the "worst case scenario" in every crowded or large building. I hate parking garages and I am afraid they will collapse on me.
Friday night on the way home from a swim meet, Collier asked me if Willie and I remember September 11th. If we do, do we feel emotional still? This question was prompted by his Social Studies teacher as they were learning about the events of that horrible and historical day.
I answered immediately.."yes, Collier. I still feel great emotion for that day."
We taught him all things that we learned following those events and on Sunday night, September 11, 2011, TEN years later, I sat surrounded by my husband and boys all piled on our bed, and still sat shocked at the footage I saw.
We do live in a world that has changed from when I was younger. Our children grow up in this new world where terrorists take what they want, but I teach my children about terrorists in language they understand, I talk to them about fears and justice, sorrow and grief. I talk to them about the heroes honored and heroes fallen, I tell them about the power of God and of humanity, I tell them of love, forgiveness, and moving on, I teach them about kindness, patients, and understanding of others, and I teach them most about FAITH, HOPE, CHARITY, and the greatest of all....LOVE.
Whatever their future holds in this new world, I know they will be ready and will endure as God is with them just as I know he was with those who perished and sacrificed on that dreadful day.
With our Father in Heaven, we can rise again and again and again, never to fear or to fall.
These verses of scripture always comfort me in every trial I have ever gone through...it is a special promise from Heavenly Father. May this promise bring peace to those who lost or deal daily with the burden of living through September 11, 2001.
"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou shall endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over thy foes. (Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8)
"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if the fierce winds become thine enemy;if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up thy way;and above all, IF THE VERY JAWS OF HELL GAPE AFTER THEE, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The son of man hath descended below all things...art thou greater than HE? Therefore, hold on thy ways, and I shall be with thee...therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever." (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7-9)
I saw evidence of love, I saw man helping and sacrificing for others, I saw bravery in the fearful, I saw heroes born, I saw new spirits emerge, strength, determination, resolve, and courage. I saw the very Devil that September day as Hell's jaws gaped after Americans, I also saw the power and strength of God that September day. God emerged as the victor that day. God will alway be the victor and as long as Americans are on God's side, Americans will remain the victors!
God bless America, FOREVER!
I remember I woke up in a cranky mood. My young boys playing wildly at my feet. I woke in a horrible mood because Willie and I had a argument the night before. I remember feeling tired and wishing I had a few moments away from my boys to think, or to indulge in some self-pity or something. The boys however wanted more attention than I had to give. They displayed their needs in such ways as jumping on my bed and leaping to the floor. I yelled at them to leave my room. I felt bad for this, but was in no mood. I remember as one of them left the room, the statue of Jesus perched on my shelf came crashing down. I bent over to pick it up, it was broken. I remarked to myself "Well this is gonna be a BAD day."
I had no idea just how bad.
Willie called from work seconds later. He demanded me to turn on the television. He sounded scared.
I had never heard fear in my husband's voice before. So I went in the living room and turned it on. I stood there staring at the screen, phone in my hand, confused. What was I looking at? I recognized the World Trade Center Towers. I knew what Manhattan looked like, but I could not immediately register what I saw. I sat on the edge of the couch, perched there for the next hour as the story of the day unfolded before the world. I saw a burning skyscraper, I saw a plane fly into the second Tower, I saw smoke, so much smoke, I saw people jumping to their deaths, I saw firefighters with fear in their eyes, I saw ash fall and blanket the silenced city, I saw heroes go in and NOT come out, I saw people running from the scene, I saw Tower Two fall in on itself, I saw Tower One fall.
Silence.....
I heard sirens, I heard broadcasters in shock, I heard the crumbling of the towers caving in on themselves, I heard the litter falling like snow, then I heard silence.
I remember crying openly, I called my mom, I called my sisters, I called my friends. I cried. I remember making homemade chocolate chip cookies later in the evening as I remained glued to the TV. I held my boys close and cuddled on the couch with my husband..all arguments forgotten.
I had nightmares for years. Any large building I entered, I had to formulate an exit plan in my head. I still do this today. I imagine the "worst case scenario" in every crowded or large building. I hate parking garages and I am afraid they will collapse on me.
Friday night on the way home from a swim meet, Collier asked me if Willie and I remember September 11th. If we do, do we feel emotional still? This question was prompted by his Social Studies teacher as they were learning about the events of that horrible and historical day.
I answered immediately.."yes, Collier. I still feel great emotion for that day."
We taught him all things that we learned following those events and on Sunday night, September 11, 2011, TEN years later, I sat surrounded by my husband and boys all piled on our bed, and still sat shocked at the footage I saw.
We do live in a world that has changed from when I was younger. Our children grow up in this new world where terrorists take what they want, but I teach my children about terrorists in language they understand, I talk to them about fears and justice, sorrow and grief. I talk to them about the heroes honored and heroes fallen, I tell them about the power of God and of humanity, I tell them of love, forgiveness, and moving on, I teach them about kindness, patients, and understanding of others, and I teach them most about FAITH, HOPE, CHARITY, and the greatest of all....LOVE.
Whatever their future holds in this new world, I know they will be ready and will endure as God is with them just as I know he was with those who perished and sacrificed on that dreadful day.
With our Father in Heaven, we can rise again and again and again, never to fear or to fall.
These verses of scripture always comfort me in every trial I have ever gone through...it is a special promise from Heavenly Father. May this promise bring peace to those who lost or deal daily with the burden of living through September 11, 2001.
"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou shall endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over thy foes. (Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8)
"And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if the fierce winds become thine enemy;if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up thy way;and above all, IF THE VERY JAWS OF HELL GAPE AFTER THEE, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The son of man hath descended below all things...art thou greater than HE? Therefore, hold on thy ways, and I shall be with thee...therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever." (Doctrine and Covenants 122:7-9)
I saw evidence of love, I saw man helping and sacrificing for others, I saw bravery in the fearful, I saw heroes born, I saw new spirits emerge, strength, determination, resolve, and courage. I saw the very Devil that September day as Hell's jaws gaped after Americans, I also saw the power and strength of God that September day. God emerged as the victor that day. God will alway be the victor and as long as Americans are on God's side, Americans will remain the victors!
God bless America, FOREVER!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
What ever will be will be......
I had a moment, on the spring green, freshly cut lawn that neatly blankets the place where my father has been recently laid to rest. At first, I was extremely awkward having never visited a grave site for a loved one before. My loving husband brought me there that day. He told me to simply talk to my dad and say things that came to my mind and my heart. He walked away and gave me space and privacy.
I stood there...awkward...in the silence and peacefulness of the place.
I looked around to see if I was truly alone....I was.
I saw all the grave markers of those who had fallen in the service of our country; the rows were so neat and tidy. It was a sight to behold.
I decided to sit, I wanted to feel a connection to my father, and by sitting I thought I could feel close. (I did not know if sitting on the grass was in bad taste or not, but I did it anyway.)
I stared at the tombstone.
William Kenneth Ellis.....stared me in the face....concrete...and real.
I started to simply talk as my husband suggested. Then the words tumbled out of me and my mouth could not keep up with my thoughts.
I cried for dad. I cried because I missed him. As I cried though, a strange feeling came over me.
I looked out into the sunset and feeling of peace and happiness came over me.
I was confused at first because this feeling did not fit the scene I was sitting in.
I was washed over by such pure happiness and joy for where my father is and who he is with. I felt the love he has for me and for his family. I felt joy for having known the man that he was, not just as my father, but as a man in the world with ideas and dreams and opinions. I felt so grateful for the opportunity to have been able to share with him, my dreams and goals and my own precious family. I sat there in the newly tender grass of the feild of the waiting souls, and felt joy for the life he lived and for the memories and connections that still live. I know my father loves me and I know he is happy. The thought came to my mind to not worry about how he left this world, but to focus on the happiness he lives in now.
We all will leave this world at some point in time....
Does it do good to dwell on how we go???
NO. it makes no difference to our Ftaher in Heaven on how we return home, he is simply over joyed to have us back.
I wiped my tears of joy, stood up in silence on the place where his body lays in wait. I did not feel separated from him, I knew i was not really separated. I knew I would see him again and it was just a while longer than ususal. I did not say good bye.....
I said "until later, Dad."
Whatever will be...WILL be. My faith in my Father in Heaven is so sure and strong. I know his plan is far greater than any I could dream up on my own. My father is in the best care with the best souls. I must trust in My Heavenly Father's plans and in His power and mercy. I must not waste my precious time left here being angry, fearful, and sorrowful but to rise up and continue with my life's works and accomplish all my Lord has need of me to accomplish. I know to let Him guide me and I will follow His plan and His ways. This leads me to peace in the face of such sorrow and grief.
So whatever will be...will be...
...and I am going to be OK.
I stood there...awkward...in the silence and peacefulness of the place.
I looked around to see if I was truly alone....I was.
I saw all the grave markers of those who had fallen in the service of our country; the rows were so neat and tidy. It was a sight to behold.
I decided to sit, I wanted to feel a connection to my father, and by sitting I thought I could feel close. (I did not know if sitting on the grass was in bad taste or not, but I did it anyway.)
I stared at the tombstone.
William Kenneth Ellis.....stared me in the face....concrete...and real.
I started to simply talk as my husband suggested. Then the words tumbled out of me and my mouth could not keep up with my thoughts.
I cried for dad. I cried because I missed him. As I cried though, a strange feeling came over me.
I looked out into the sunset and feeling of peace and happiness came over me.
I was confused at first because this feeling did not fit the scene I was sitting in.
I was washed over by such pure happiness and joy for where my father is and who he is with. I felt the love he has for me and for his family. I felt joy for having known the man that he was, not just as my father, but as a man in the world with ideas and dreams and opinions. I felt so grateful for the opportunity to have been able to share with him, my dreams and goals and my own precious family. I sat there in the newly tender grass of the feild of the waiting souls, and felt joy for the life he lived and for the memories and connections that still live. I know my father loves me and I know he is happy. The thought came to my mind to not worry about how he left this world, but to focus on the happiness he lives in now.
We all will leave this world at some point in time....
Does it do good to dwell on how we go???
NO. it makes no difference to our Ftaher in Heaven on how we return home, he is simply over joyed to have us back.
I wiped my tears of joy, stood up in silence on the place where his body lays in wait. I did not feel separated from him, I knew i was not really separated. I knew I would see him again and it was just a while longer than ususal. I did not say good bye.....
I said "until later, Dad."
Whatever will be...WILL be. My faith in my Father in Heaven is so sure and strong. I know his plan is far greater than any I could dream up on my own. My father is in the best care with the best souls. I must trust in My Heavenly Father's plans and in His power and mercy. I must not waste my precious time left here being angry, fearful, and sorrowful but to rise up and continue with my life's works and accomplish all my Lord has need of me to accomplish. I know to let Him guide me and I will follow His plan and His ways. This leads me to peace in the face of such sorrow and grief.
So whatever will be...will be...
...and I am going to be OK.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Ends with a ...BANG!!!
This yschool year has been difficult for the children. The boys missed tons of school due to many different and unexpected issues. Collier struggled all year again with Math. Austin's grades at one point even dipped into the "B's." YIKES! At the end of the year, the boys take end of grade tests. This year Collier had to re-take the Math portion. Willie and I prepared him for the possibility that he would not pass the sixth grade if he had to repeat Math. (Mind you his math grades throughout the year were a rollercoaster on a graph chart). The second time around...with baited breath...we waited anxiously for him. He was not nervous however, because he felt he did well. This was not enough conviction for us to hang on to, so we waited....
He not only passed the math portion but scored an entire level higher, two points shy of the highest marking!!!
we breathed, we celebrated, we laughed with joy and pride for his hard work!!!
Austin and Collier not only passed their grades but BOTH got on the Honor Roll. That has not happened since they were in first and second grades:)
They joined the swim team, had their first meet last Thursday....
They did AMAZING!!! Collier even won the "Heat ribbon" for breast stroke!
Austin was just a fewstrokes behind him!!!
Aislynne had her end of year Ballet recital. Her first ever! She was so adorable, I couldn't stand it! She was a mother's dream. I also think she has fell in love this summer......with the stage!!! She felt right at home on that big black stage where she danced like a princess and everybody watched her. She was in HEAVEN!! She was made for dancing and for the life on the stage.
....and that leaves...Braden....
Braden, the same week this was all going down with the other children, desided to step it up and receive his well earned attention and became a big boy with potty training!!!
...That's right friends.....be jealous...
My last baby is no longer in diapers!!! ha ha ha life was so great that week. The good Lord was definitely watching over my children and blessing them in the hour most needed for their maximum performance!!!
I could not be prouder or more grateful!!!
(I have video of Aisy's recital and of the boys swim meet, but my computer will not allow these to be added. I'll figure it out and post them soon.)
He not only passed the math portion but scored an entire level higher, two points shy of the highest marking!!!
we breathed, we celebrated, we laughed with joy and pride for his hard work!!!
Austin and Collier not only passed their grades but BOTH got on the Honor Roll. That has not happened since they were in first and second grades:)
They joined the swim team, had their first meet last Thursday....
They did AMAZING!!! Collier even won the "Heat ribbon" for breast stroke!
Austin was just a fewstrokes behind him!!!
Aislynne had her end of year Ballet recital. Her first ever! She was so adorable, I couldn't stand it! She was a mother's dream. I also think she has fell in love this summer......with the stage!!! She felt right at home on that big black stage where she danced like a princess and everybody watched her. She was in HEAVEN!! She was made for dancing and for the life on the stage.
....and that leaves...Braden....
Braden, the same week this was all going down with the other children, desided to step it up and receive his well earned attention and became a big boy with potty training!!!
...That's right friends.....be jealous...
My last baby is no longer in diapers!!! ha ha ha life was so great that week. The good Lord was definitely watching over my children and blessing them in the hour most needed for their maximum performance!!!
I could not be prouder or more grateful!!!
(I have video of Aisy's recital and of the boys swim meet, but my computer will not allow these to be added. I'll figure it out and post them soon.)
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Emotion-less?
Today was Father's Day, just months after the murder of my own father. I had a bad day today, not because my father is gone and I could not call him, but because it occurred to me the other day, that I did not recognize his absence in my life as of yet. I was there at the funeral. I saw his body in the casket. I remarked on seeing his cold fingers because the night, our last night together, his fingers were cold and I recognized it because they looked just like mine. He liked that. But I saw those fingers, still and cold. I see daily his mementos on my desk. His "wildcats" statue bookends and such stare back at me expectantly as I type my homework, surf the net (whoa that really sounded '90's) and other odds and ends surrounding the "command center of my life." I know he is gone, I do. Logically I know this fact. The other day, my sister reminded me about father's day. I was shocked with horror and embarrassment as I had completely forgotten about dad. I investigated further into myself why I had forgotten him. The little voice in the back of my head shouted back at me.."It's not MY father that's gone!"
I had a moment of ....um...realization that I was still in some level of denial.
Weird, denying something I know to be true.
This is new for me.
What to do with this, I don't know. I guess I need to talk with someone, but for starters, I'll talk to you.
I have not been dealing with my father's death, I have been avoiding it for two reasons:
1) I feel nothing.
2) I want to feel nothing.
My life has been less than stable since coming home from Florida a few months back. I have been facing difficulties that were my own and a lot that were not my own. I dove into those issues that were pressing. I dove into my homework like an overly obsessed nerd who cannot stand to see a "B." I have driven myself crazy, run myself into the ground, ...and now..I'm getting sick. My poor husband spent his father's day sick in bed (the whole day, something I never can do even when I am sick) so that left me with a lot of time to think as I accomplished everything else that was immediately pressing (dinner, kids, homework, bed, all that jazz). To be honest with myself...I feel like I have too many things on my plate right now to even begin to pour time to mourn my father. I feel like I can never get to that place in my head where I can think without interruption. But today, I did.
I felt nothing.
no anger
no sorrow
no guilt
just confusion and a little peace.
Peace? you ask? Yes, peace. I'll explain:
Years ago I had the opportunity to tell my father many private thoughts and feelings I had through the years. I wrote it all in a letter and mailed it to him. I told him that I loved him, I forgave his mistakes, and I wanted a good relationship with him. About a month later, on our way to Islands of Adventure for a Family gathering, he told me in the car on the way there that he appreciated my letter, it made him cry, and he loved me. He told me that my letter made him feel like he was loved and that he was proud of me for standing for what I believed in and for what I felt towards him. (lots o history there) Our relationship since then has been fine. Not perfect by any means, but fine.
That last night on the beach, I felt that love from him, and I know he felt it from me. It was not a long visit, it was a long "good bye." We simply were waiting to have more time together during our highly anticipated family reunion this summer. The love was real and genuine. I'll never forget it. So, I don't feel like he is gone. I don't feel like he is here, either. I simply don't feel anything. This confuses me. I think I ought to feel SOMETHING?? I should be sad! I should miss him. I should remember him, and I do every other day. The father I had is gone..and I feel nothing.
Is it a survival technique to withhold emotion until one is stable enough to release it? Because I wonder if that is what I am waiting for...mental and physical stability to make it ok for me to let go. OR maybe, I won't let go at all because just maybe I already did years ago? Any thoughts?
I had a moment of ....um...realization that I was still in some level of denial.
Weird, denying something I know to be true.
This is new for me.
What to do with this, I don't know. I guess I need to talk with someone, but for starters, I'll talk to you.
I have not been dealing with my father's death, I have been avoiding it for two reasons:
1) I feel nothing.
2) I want to feel nothing.
My life has been less than stable since coming home from Florida a few months back. I have been facing difficulties that were my own and a lot that were not my own. I dove into those issues that were pressing. I dove into my homework like an overly obsessed nerd who cannot stand to see a "B." I have driven myself crazy, run myself into the ground, ...and now..I'm getting sick. My poor husband spent his father's day sick in bed (the whole day, something I never can do even when I am sick) so that left me with a lot of time to think as I accomplished everything else that was immediately pressing (dinner, kids, homework, bed, all that jazz). To be honest with myself...I feel like I have too many things on my plate right now to even begin to pour time to mourn my father. I feel like I can never get to that place in my head where I can think without interruption. But today, I did.
I felt nothing.
no anger
no sorrow
no guilt
just confusion and a little peace.
Peace? you ask? Yes, peace. I'll explain:
Years ago I had the opportunity to tell my father many private thoughts and feelings I had through the years. I wrote it all in a letter and mailed it to him. I told him that I loved him, I forgave his mistakes, and I wanted a good relationship with him. About a month later, on our way to Islands of Adventure for a Family gathering, he told me in the car on the way there that he appreciated my letter, it made him cry, and he loved me. He told me that my letter made him feel like he was loved and that he was proud of me for standing for what I believed in and for what I felt towards him. (lots o history there) Our relationship since then has been fine. Not perfect by any means, but fine.
That last night on the beach, I felt that love from him, and I know he felt it from me. It was not a long visit, it was a long "good bye." We simply were waiting to have more time together during our highly anticipated family reunion this summer. The love was real and genuine. I'll never forget it. So, I don't feel like he is gone. I don't feel like he is here, either. I simply don't feel anything. This confuses me. I think I ought to feel SOMETHING?? I should be sad! I should miss him. I should remember him, and I do every other day. The father I had is gone..and I feel nothing.
Is it a survival technique to withhold emotion until one is stable enough to release it? Because I wonder if that is what I am waiting for...mental and physical stability to make it ok for me to let go. OR maybe, I won't let go at all because just maybe I already did years ago? Any thoughts?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Just some babblings of a crazy grieving mad woman...
I am simply going to babble because I need to start writing my thoughts down again. It has clearly been too long since I have sat down to express myself. Aren't you lucky to be able to read my thoughts...the thoughts of a babbling crazy mad woman????
So I am losing my mind. This has been confirmed by my most trusted advisor; my husband. But is it fair to believe him? I think he is partial to calling me crazy when it comes to winning arguments. But to be truthful, I feel I am losing my beautifully sharp mind. That is why writing my thoughts might bring back just what I think I am losing.
This weekend, I finally read the steps of grieving. They are:
1. Shock/Denial
2. Pain/ Guilt
3. Anger/bargaining
4.Depression/reflection/loneliness
5. upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance/hope
This made me realize that I have a long way to go. Not all people experience these stages in order. This gives me slight hope because from where I sit, I cannot see which stage I have been in or am in currently. This last weekend has made me see that I think I am just realizing on the conscious level that my father is gone and I must deal with those feelings which I had been ignoring.
I suppose that in the first few weeks I went through shock and immediate pain. Then I came home and life had to go on as it did before. This was hard and weird because everybody else's lives went on so normal and yet mine was upside down. I pretended to get back to school work, plan our futures, and tried to be social but it made me sick to pretend life was normal for me. I kept pushing aside feelings that would bring tears to my eyes. I had no release because I would not allow myself to release them. They kept building deep inside until this weekend when I busted out of the emotionless cast I had built for myself. I did not cry. I got mad. Not mad at my dad for dying but at my husband because his life was the same (except for me). He slept, he worked, he played, he lived. I was not living. I was angry or jealous or just crazy. He has not known death. I now did. He did not understand me and my drive to feel as normal as I could while falling apart inside. He did not understand my own confusion, lack of interest in things previously liked, he did not understand my craziness. I did not cry...I yelled. I yelled that life was unfair, like was cruel, life was hard and sad! I yelled that I could not pretend anymore, I could not be as good as I wanted to be. I could not be what others needed me to be anymore. I purged...and purged...and then...shed a few tears.
This is where I get crazy...I did not cry for dad. I cried for me.
I still have not cried for him and I think it makes me feel like a bad person. So for this weekend, I am struggling with everything.
Life does go on, it needs to. I have to continue with responsibilities that existed before dad died. There is no way around it.
I will continue to pray constantly.
I will continue to read the scriptures daily.
I will continue my job as mother/friend/wife/primary president/student.
But I will do it with my Savior because as my big sister put it so eloquently.. "Here are my burdens dear Lord. I am now throwing them all at you because I know you will help carry them for me as I cannot do myself." .....and then she ran.....
...and I WILL TOO.
for now.
So I am losing my mind. This has been confirmed by my most trusted advisor; my husband. But is it fair to believe him? I think he is partial to calling me crazy when it comes to winning arguments. But to be truthful, I feel I am losing my beautifully sharp mind. That is why writing my thoughts might bring back just what I think I am losing.
This weekend, I finally read the steps of grieving. They are:
1. Shock/Denial
2. Pain/ Guilt
3. Anger/bargaining
4.Depression/reflection/loneliness
5. upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance/hope
This made me realize that I have a long way to go. Not all people experience these stages in order. This gives me slight hope because from where I sit, I cannot see which stage I have been in or am in currently. This last weekend has made me see that I think I am just realizing on the conscious level that my father is gone and I must deal with those feelings which I had been ignoring.
I suppose that in the first few weeks I went through shock and immediate pain. Then I came home and life had to go on as it did before. This was hard and weird because everybody else's lives went on so normal and yet mine was upside down. I pretended to get back to school work, plan our futures, and tried to be social but it made me sick to pretend life was normal for me. I kept pushing aside feelings that would bring tears to my eyes. I had no release because I would not allow myself to release them. They kept building deep inside until this weekend when I busted out of the emotionless cast I had built for myself. I did not cry. I got mad. Not mad at my dad for dying but at my husband because his life was the same (except for me). He slept, he worked, he played, he lived. I was not living. I was angry or jealous or just crazy. He has not known death. I now did. He did not understand me and my drive to feel as normal as I could while falling apart inside. He did not understand my own confusion, lack of interest in things previously liked, he did not understand my craziness. I did not cry...I yelled. I yelled that life was unfair, like was cruel, life was hard and sad! I yelled that I could not pretend anymore, I could not be as good as I wanted to be. I could not be what others needed me to be anymore. I purged...and purged...and then...shed a few tears.
This is where I get crazy...I did not cry for dad. I cried for me.
I still have not cried for him and I think it makes me feel like a bad person. So for this weekend, I am struggling with everything.
Life does go on, it needs to. I have to continue with responsibilities that existed before dad died. There is no way around it.
I will continue to pray constantly.
I will continue to read the scriptures daily.
I will continue my job as mother/friend/wife/primary president/student.
But I will do it with my Savior because as my big sister put it so eloquently.. "Here are my burdens dear Lord. I am now throwing them all at you because I know you will help carry them for me as I cannot do myself." .....and then she ran.....
...and I WILL TOO.
for now.
Monday, April 11, 2011
In Loving Memory......
The flag was flown at half mast today.
A last salute to you.
Wind ripping my heart from my chest.
While the silence ensued.
The words were spoken softly.
Tears framing my face.
Everyone bowed their heads,
Then the bugle played.
The flag folded neat and tidy.
A testament of you.
Placed in my brother's lap.
Stars and stripes forever blue.
Its over so quickly, yet it is not.
Too unreal to be true.
Tomorrow is just the beginning
of life without you.
We will "keep on keeping on"
And go on being strong.
As long as we are together
Because that is what you would do.
-love you Dad,
love Wag
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