in the blink of my eye...

i must start off by saying..."this is the beginning of the end" and although i know this sounds melancholy and all, i can't help it. for all mothers in the world, you will be able understand where i am because either one of two things: you've been here in my shoes or you fear this day as i do. so without further delay, i will share my story.

this evening, the children and I gathered around the table for some fun family time. i had promised my darling three year old that we would write out letters to Santa, so after the weekend passed and no letters, she started angelically badgering me about writing them. OK, not angelically at all. so, i called the kids around the table to help us out with it. now i have two older boys who know about "Santa" and so therefore the eldest of the two blurted out in hastiness, "mom, aren't we a little too old for that stuff?" this was said not even two feet from their sister who hangs on their every word.

i glared at at him intently, fighting back every impulse not to bite his head off right then and there and ruining the whole darn thing for everybody. I'm talking the laser beam look. looks that could kill, because i didn't want my three year old to repeat this new attitude. miraculously i managed to say, "you are never too old for Santa." then i followed it up with the "wink." you know the one, moms. the one that is way over exaggerated for the other recipients benefit. yes, the one where we look like our whole face tics with the movement, as if nodding to heaven. anyways, thankfully she didn't really catch on to anything amiss. the boys had been taught to keep our dirty little secret and therefore when i heard the response was angered that he spoke that way in front of her.

i let it go. (i'm so good;)

later, after one bitten off green marker top, marker stains all over the table and the paper shreds in the garbage, yeah, I'm not sure how the shreds were even made. we finally posted the letters on the wall for Santa to see. our task complete to every one's satisfaction, i read them all one at a time, savoring the memory of this years wish lists. as my eyes approached my oldest son's letter, i beheld a plain hasty written note. just barely a sentence of what he wanted for Christmas. my heart dropped. I'll tell you why.

my sadness overcame me not because he didn't believe in Santa anymore, i knew he didn't. i was the one who told him about that dirty little secret. it was because i think really for the first time it hit me. there is no going back with kids. he's done with that stage of his life. the magic, mystery and wonder of it all...it's gone, in the blink of my eye! as i stared at his practically bare and unadorned letter to "Santa", i realized i can never go back with him to that place, to those moments. all that are left are memories of past magical Christmas', and there have been many wonderful magical memories, but it isn't the same and it doesn't feel the same. my boys are growing up so quickly before my eyes, and i can't slow it down or go back or even stop it. it is happening every day, whether i notice everyday or not.

i had passed by the living room a while later and peeked in on the boys watching a Christmas movie. the lights where glowing and the tree stood peacefully basking in that light. the room softly filled with reminders of old times and traditions mixed with new ones. i stopped and gazed at them secretly hoarding the new memory. keeping it locked deep inside, so that one day, all too soon, i can pull it out and be grateful for that memory and maybe laugh to myself and thinking "back then, i had thought they were so old." because as i have just learned they will be gone too soon. and i won't be able to come back "here" with them.

in the blink of my eye....a very wet and tear-filled eye.

Merry Christmas to all our friends and family, enjoy it while they are young.
youth really is priceless.