I had a moment, on the spring green, freshly cut lawn that neatly blankets the place where my father has been recently laid to rest. At first, I was extremely awkward having never visited a grave site for a loved one before. My loving husband brought me there that day. He told me to simply talk to my dad and say things that came to my mind and my heart. He walked away and gave me space and privacy.
I stood there...awkward...in the silence and peacefulness of the place.
I looked around to see if I was truly alone....I was.
I saw all the grave markers of those who had fallen in the service of our country; the rows were so neat and tidy. It was a sight to behold.
I decided to sit, I wanted to feel a connection to my father, and by sitting I thought I could feel close. (I did not know if sitting on the grass was in bad taste or not, but I did it anyway.)
I stared at the tombstone.
William Kenneth Ellis.....stared me in the face....concrete...and real.
I started to simply talk as my husband suggested. Then the words tumbled out of me and my mouth could not keep up with my thoughts.
I cried for dad. I cried because I missed him. As I cried though, a strange feeling came over me.
I looked out into the sunset and feeling of peace and happiness came over me.
I was confused at first because this feeling did not fit the scene I was sitting in.
I was washed over by such pure happiness and joy for where my father is and who he is with. I felt the love he has for me and for his family. I felt joy for having known the man that he was, not just as my father, but as a man in the world with ideas and dreams and opinions. I felt so grateful for the opportunity to have been able to share with him, my dreams and goals and my own precious family. I sat there in the newly tender grass of the feild of the waiting souls, and felt joy for the life he lived and for the memories and connections that still live. I know my father loves me and I know he is happy. The thought came to my mind to not worry about how he left this world, but to focus on the happiness he lives in now.
We all will leave this world at some point in time....
Does it do good to dwell on how we go???
NO. it makes no difference to our Ftaher in Heaven on how we return home, he is simply over joyed to have us back.
I wiped my tears of joy, stood up in silence on the place where his body lays in wait. I did not feel separated from him, I knew i was not really separated. I knew I would see him again and it was just a while longer than ususal. I did not say good bye.....
I said "until later, Dad."
Whatever will be...WILL be. My faith in my Father in Heaven is so sure and strong. I know his plan is far greater than any I could dream up on my own. My father is in the best care with the best souls. I must trust in My Heavenly Father's plans and in His power and mercy. I must not waste my precious time left here being angry, fearful, and sorrowful but to rise up and continue with my life's works and accomplish all my Lord has need of me to accomplish. I know to let Him guide me and I will follow His plan and His ways. This leads me to peace in the face of such sorrow and grief.
So whatever will be...will be...
...and I am going to be OK.