My proud swimmers!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Ends with a ...BANG!!!
This yschool year has been difficult for the children. The boys missed tons of school due to many different and unexpected issues. Collier struggled all year again with Math. Austin's grades at one point even dipped into the "B's." YIKES! At the end of the year, the boys take end of grade tests. This year Collier had to re-take the Math portion. Willie and I prepared him for the possibility that he would not pass the sixth grade if he had to repeat Math. (Mind you his math grades throughout the year were a rollercoaster on a graph chart). The second time around...with baited breath...we waited anxiously for him. He was not nervous however, because he felt he did well. This was not enough conviction for us to hang on to, so we waited....
He not only passed the math portion but scored an entire level higher, two points shy of the highest marking!!!
we breathed, we celebrated, we laughed with joy and pride for his hard work!!!
Austin and Collier not only passed their grades but BOTH got on the Honor Roll. That has not happened since they were in first and second grades:)
They joined the swim team, had their first meet last Thursday....
They did AMAZING!!! Collier even won the "Heat ribbon" for breast stroke!
Austin was just a fewstrokes behind him!!!
Aislynne had her end of year Ballet recital. Her first ever! She was so adorable, I couldn't stand it! She was a mother's dream. I also think she has fell in love this summer......with the stage!!! She felt right at home on that big black stage where she danced like a princess and everybody watched her. She was in HEAVEN!! She was made for dancing and for the life on the stage.
....and that leaves...Braden....
Braden, the same week this was all going down with the other children, desided to step it up and receive his well earned attention and became a big boy with potty training!!!
...That's right friends.....be jealous...
My last baby is no longer in diapers!!! ha ha ha life was so great that week. The good Lord was definitely watching over my children and blessing them in the hour most needed for their maximum performance!!!
I could not be prouder or more grateful!!!
(I have video of Aisy's recital and of the boys swim meet, but my computer will not allow these to be added. I'll figure it out and post them soon.)
He not only passed the math portion but scored an entire level higher, two points shy of the highest marking!!!
we breathed, we celebrated, we laughed with joy and pride for his hard work!!!
Austin and Collier not only passed their grades but BOTH got on the Honor Roll. That has not happened since they were in first and second grades:)
They joined the swim team, had their first meet last Thursday....
They did AMAZING!!! Collier even won the "Heat ribbon" for breast stroke!
Austin was just a fewstrokes behind him!!!
Aislynne had her end of year Ballet recital. Her first ever! She was so adorable, I couldn't stand it! She was a mother's dream. I also think she has fell in love this summer......with the stage!!! She felt right at home on that big black stage where she danced like a princess and everybody watched her. She was in HEAVEN!! She was made for dancing and for the life on the stage.
....and that leaves...Braden....
Braden, the same week this was all going down with the other children, desided to step it up and receive his well earned attention and became a big boy with potty training!!!
...That's right friends.....be jealous...
My last baby is no longer in diapers!!! ha ha ha life was so great that week. The good Lord was definitely watching over my children and blessing them in the hour most needed for their maximum performance!!!
I could not be prouder or more grateful!!!
(I have video of Aisy's recital and of the boys swim meet, but my computer will not allow these to be added. I'll figure it out and post them soon.)
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Emotion-less?
Today was Father's Day, just months after the murder of my own father. I had a bad day today, not because my father is gone and I could not call him, but because it occurred to me the other day, that I did not recognize his absence in my life as of yet. I was there at the funeral. I saw his body in the casket. I remarked on seeing his cold fingers because the night, our last night together, his fingers were cold and I recognized it because they looked just like mine. He liked that. But I saw those fingers, still and cold. I see daily his mementos on my desk. His "wildcats" statue bookends and such stare back at me expectantly as I type my homework, surf the net (whoa that really sounded '90's) and other odds and ends surrounding the "command center of my life." I know he is gone, I do. Logically I know this fact. The other day, my sister reminded me about father's day. I was shocked with horror and embarrassment as I had completely forgotten about dad. I investigated further into myself why I had forgotten him. The little voice in the back of my head shouted back at me.."It's not MY father that's gone!"
I had a moment of ....um...realization that I was still in some level of denial.
Weird, denying something I know to be true.
This is new for me.
What to do with this, I don't know. I guess I need to talk with someone, but for starters, I'll talk to you.
I have not been dealing with my father's death, I have been avoiding it for two reasons:
1) I feel nothing.
2) I want to feel nothing.
My life has been less than stable since coming home from Florida a few months back. I have been facing difficulties that were my own and a lot that were not my own. I dove into those issues that were pressing. I dove into my homework like an overly obsessed nerd who cannot stand to see a "B." I have driven myself crazy, run myself into the ground, ...and now..I'm getting sick. My poor husband spent his father's day sick in bed (the whole day, something I never can do even when I am sick) so that left me with a lot of time to think as I accomplished everything else that was immediately pressing (dinner, kids, homework, bed, all that jazz). To be honest with myself...I feel like I have too many things on my plate right now to even begin to pour time to mourn my father. I feel like I can never get to that place in my head where I can think without interruption. But today, I did.
I felt nothing.
no anger
no sorrow
no guilt
just confusion and a little peace.
Peace? you ask? Yes, peace. I'll explain:
Years ago I had the opportunity to tell my father many private thoughts and feelings I had through the years. I wrote it all in a letter and mailed it to him. I told him that I loved him, I forgave his mistakes, and I wanted a good relationship with him. About a month later, on our way to Islands of Adventure for a Family gathering, he told me in the car on the way there that he appreciated my letter, it made him cry, and he loved me. He told me that my letter made him feel like he was loved and that he was proud of me for standing for what I believed in and for what I felt towards him. (lots o history there) Our relationship since then has been fine. Not perfect by any means, but fine.
That last night on the beach, I felt that love from him, and I know he felt it from me. It was not a long visit, it was a long "good bye." We simply were waiting to have more time together during our highly anticipated family reunion this summer. The love was real and genuine. I'll never forget it. So, I don't feel like he is gone. I don't feel like he is here, either. I simply don't feel anything. This confuses me. I think I ought to feel SOMETHING?? I should be sad! I should miss him. I should remember him, and I do every other day. The father I had is gone..and I feel nothing.
Is it a survival technique to withhold emotion until one is stable enough to release it? Because I wonder if that is what I am waiting for...mental and physical stability to make it ok for me to let go. OR maybe, I won't let go at all because just maybe I already did years ago? Any thoughts?
I had a moment of ....um...realization that I was still in some level of denial.
Weird, denying something I know to be true.
This is new for me.
What to do with this, I don't know. I guess I need to talk with someone, but for starters, I'll talk to you.
I have not been dealing with my father's death, I have been avoiding it for two reasons:
1) I feel nothing.
2) I want to feel nothing.
My life has been less than stable since coming home from Florida a few months back. I have been facing difficulties that were my own and a lot that were not my own. I dove into those issues that were pressing. I dove into my homework like an overly obsessed nerd who cannot stand to see a "B." I have driven myself crazy, run myself into the ground, ...and now..I'm getting sick. My poor husband spent his father's day sick in bed (the whole day, something I never can do even when I am sick) so that left me with a lot of time to think as I accomplished everything else that was immediately pressing (dinner, kids, homework, bed, all that jazz). To be honest with myself...I feel like I have too many things on my plate right now to even begin to pour time to mourn my father. I feel like I can never get to that place in my head where I can think without interruption. But today, I did.
I felt nothing.
no anger
no sorrow
no guilt
just confusion and a little peace.
Peace? you ask? Yes, peace. I'll explain:
Years ago I had the opportunity to tell my father many private thoughts and feelings I had through the years. I wrote it all in a letter and mailed it to him. I told him that I loved him, I forgave his mistakes, and I wanted a good relationship with him. About a month later, on our way to Islands of Adventure for a Family gathering, he told me in the car on the way there that he appreciated my letter, it made him cry, and he loved me. He told me that my letter made him feel like he was loved and that he was proud of me for standing for what I believed in and for what I felt towards him. (lots o history there) Our relationship since then has been fine. Not perfect by any means, but fine.
That last night on the beach, I felt that love from him, and I know he felt it from me. It was not a long visit, it was a long "good bye." We simply were waiting to have more time together during our highly anticipated family reunion this summer. The love was real and genuine. I'll never forget it. So, I don't feel like he is gone. I don't feel like he is here, either. I simply don't feel anything. This confuses me. I think I ought to feel SOMETHING?? I should be sad! I should miss him. I should remember him, and I do every other day. The father I had is gone..and I feel nothing.
Is it a survival technique to withhold emotion until one is stable enough to release it? Because I wonder if that is what I am waiting for...mental and physical stability to make it ok for me to let go. OR maybe, I won't let go at all because just maybe I already did years ago? Any thoughts?
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Just some babblings of a crazy grieving mad woman...
I am simply going to babble because I need to start writing my thoughts down again. It has clearly been too long since I have sat down to express myself. Aren't you lucky to be able to read my thoughts...the thoughts of a babbling crazy mad woman????
So I am losing my mind. This has been confirmed by my most trusted advisor; my husband. But is it fair to believe him? I think he is partial to calling me crazy when it comes to winning arguments. But to be truthful, I feel I am losing my beautifully sharp mind. That is why writing my thoughts might bring back just what I think I am losing.
This weekend, I finally read the steps of grieving. They are:
1. Shock/Denial
2. Pain/ Guilt
3. Anger/bargaining
4.Depression/reflection/loneliness
5. upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance/hope
This made me realize that I have a long way to go. Not all people experience these stages in order. This gives me slight hope because from where I sit, I cannot see which stage I have been in or am in currently. This last weekend has made me see that I think I am just realizing on the conscious level that my father is gone and I must deal with those feelings which I had been ignoring.
I suppose that in the first few weeks I went through shock and immediate pain. Then I came home and life had to go on as it did before. This was hard and weird because everybody else's lives went on so normal and yet mine was upside down. I pretended to get back to school work, plan our futures, and tried to be social but it made me sick to pretend life was normal for me. I kept pushing aside feelings that would bring tears to my eyes. I had no release because I would not allow myself to release them. They kept building deep inside until this weekend when I busted out of the emotionless cast I had built for myself. I did not cry. I got mad. Not mad at my dad for dying but at my husband because his life was the same (except for me). He slept, he worked, he played, he lived. I was not living. I was angry or jealous or just crazy. He has not known death. I now did. He did not understand me and my drive to feel as normal as I could while falling apart inside. He did not understand my own confusion, lack of interest in things previously liked, he did not understand my craziness. I did not cry...I yelled. I yelled that life was unfair, like was cruel, life was hard and sad! I yelled that I could not pretend anymore, I could not be as good as I wanted to be. I could not be what others needed me to be anymore. I purged...and purged...and then...shed a few tears.
This is where I get crazy...I did not cry for dad. I cried for me.
I still have not cried for him and I think it makes me feel like a bad person. So for this weekend, I am struggling with everything.
Life does go on, it needs to. I have to continue with responsibilities that existed before dad died. There is no way around it.
I will continue to pray constantly.
I will continue to read the scriptures daily.
I will continue my job as mother/friend/wife/primary president/student.
But I will do it with my Savior because as my big sister put it so eloquently.. "Here are my burdens dear Lord. I am now throwing them all at you because I know you will help carry them for me as I cannot do myself." .....and then she ran.....
...and I WILL TOO.
for now.
So I am losing my mind. This has been confirmed by my most trusted advisor; my husband. But is it fair to believe him? I think he is partial to calling me crazy when it comes to winning arguments. But to be truthful, I feel I am losing my beautifully sharp mind. That is why writing my thoughts might bring back just what I think I am losing.
This weekend, I finally read the steps of grieving. They are:
1. Shock/Denial
2. Pain/ Guilt
3. Anger/bargaining
4.Depression/reflection/loneliness
5. upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance/hope
This made me realize that I have a long way to go. Not all people experience these stages in order. This gives me slight hope because from where I sit, I cannot see which stage I have been in or am in currently. This last weekend has made me see that I think I am just realizing on the conscious level that my father is gone and I must deal with those feelings which I had been ignoring.
I suppose that in the first few weeks I went through shock and immediate pain. Then I came home and life had to go on as it did before. This was hard and weird because everybody else's lives went on so normal and yet mine was upside down. I pretended to get back to school work, plan our futures, and tried to be social but it made me sick to pretend life was normal for me. I kept pushing aside feelings that would bring tears to my eyes. I had no release because I would not allow myself to release them. They kept building deep inside until this weekend when I busted out of the emotionless cast I had built for myself. I did not cry. I got mad. Not mad at my dad for dying but at my husband because his life was the same (except for me). He slept, he worked, he played, he lived. I was not living. I was angry or jealous or just crazy. He has not known death. I now did. He did not understand me and my drive to feel as normal as I could while falling apart inside. He did not understand my own confusion, lack of interest in things previously liked, he did not understand my craziness. I did not cry...I yelled. I yelled that life was unfair, like was cruel, life was hard and sad! I yelled that I could not pretend anymore, I could not be as good as I wanted to be. I could not be what others needed me to be anymore. I purged...and purged...and then...shed a few tears.
This is where I get crazy...I did not cry for dad. I cried for me.
I still have not cried for him and I think it makes me feel like a bad person. So for this weekend, I am struggling with everything.
Life does go on, it needs to. I have to continue with responsibilities that existed before dad died. There is no way around it.
I will continue to pray constantly.
I will continue to read the scriptures daily.
I will continue my job as mother/friend/wife/primary president/student.
But I will do it with my Savior because as my big sister put it so eloquently.. "Here are my burdens dear Lord. I am now throwing them all at you because I know you will help carry them for me as I cannot do myself." .....and then she ran.....
...and I WILL TOO.
for now.
Monday, April 11, 2011
In Loving Memory......
The flag was flown at half mast today.
A last salute to you.
Wind ripping my heart from my chest.
While the silence ensued.
The words were spoken softly.
Tears framing my face.
Everyone bowed their heads,
Then the bugle played.
The flag folded neat and tidy.
A testament of you.
Placed in my brother's lap.
Stars and stripes forever blue.
Its over so quickly, yet it is not.
Too unreal to be true.
Tomorrow is just the beginning
of life without you.
We will "keep on keeping on"
And go on being strong.
As long as we are together
Because that is what you would do.
-love you Dad,
love Wag
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)